Tell It To COACHIE

Last spring I tutored a “troubled” high school student in chemistry.  I was a little worried that I would not be much help, since these days I can only think of two instances where I regularly use any knowledge gained in chemistry.  One of these is mixtures - it is always best to start with a little bit of liquid to dissolve something, and then add the rest of the liquid to make the mixture.  As a result, $70,000 worth of education later, I am awesome at making chocolate milk.  The other one, is rinsing out eyes.

On your first day in Chemistry Lab 101, they show you all of the safety equipment in the room, explain how to use it, and then threaten you with such dire consequences if you ever misuse it, that most students probably die or go blind while debating whether or not the “emergency” threshold has been reached.   Our lab had fire extinguishers, mercury cleanup kits, the pull-chain activated emergency shower (that supposedly dumps 1000s of gallons of water on you at once, but since we were all so afraid to use it, I think probably there was no actual plumbing attached), and the “eye wash” station, which looks like a blue water fountain.  The lab techs emphasized over and over that when you get something in your eye, your immediate reaction is to clamp it shut, which is the worst thing to do.  So they told us if we saw someone at the eye wash station in distress, we should go over there and pull his or her eye open.

When I was in grade school, I saw this horrific, life-altering movie about what happens to your eye balls if you accidentally shoot fireworks into them.  It was so gross that a few students left the room puking.  In fact, it was so gross that today’s parents would probably sue the school for showing it.  When I started college, I would still inwardly cringe whenever I thought about any kind of eye injury.  Obviously, the eye wash station procedures were slightly out of my comfort zone.  But over the years, the more news stories I heard about people throwing acid at other people, the more I figured I should try to practice running water into my eyes, just in case.  And now, I’m happy to say, I’m pretty good at it.  Fortunately, the worst thing I’ve gotten into my eyes is shampoo.  Until the other day.

DUN DUN DUN

I understand that people need jobs, and changing packaging keeps the packaging designers and marketing people employed, but every new innovation in the packaging of spices makes it harder and harder to get them out of the jar.  The other night, I was attempting to get 1/4 teaspoon of cayenne pepper out of a brand-new, over-filled, jar, and it spilled all over the counter.  I wiped it up with a wet paper towel and continued with my recipe, when suddenly the skin under my eye began to burn.  I sort of absentmindedly rubbed it with my finger, and it began to feel worse.  Oh, how I wish that improved powers of observation  were one of the things I learned from Chemistry class.  After thoughtlessly rubbing my eye a few more times, I realized the problem was cayenne pepper, I had it on my finger, and I had finally succeeded in rubbing it into my eyeball.

Guess what?  It really hurt.  A lot.  I don’t recommend it.  If anyone ever shows me a photo of pepper spray, I’ll probably turn and run.  Fortunately, I had been training for just this moment for years.  I made my way to the sink, shoved the dirty dishes aside, used one hand to keep my hair out of the muck, and washed my eye out.  Success!  A few minutes later, as I continued with dinner, I realized that maybe I should wash my hands too, to avoid a repeat scenario - there’s some critical thinking right?

The next time I took out the cayenne, it spilled all over the counter again, but this time I managed not to mace myself.  I’m thinking of suing the McCormick people, but until I prevail, consider yourselves warned.  And consider yourselves on your own, because I’m pretty sure I still would not be able to pull someone else’s eye open, and I don’t plan to practice.

Amazing Race contestants from West Virginia (or wherever they are from) are more than I can take.  Were the producers carrying around a little jar of coal dust that to shake all over the camera before they turned it on those two?  They couldn’t have possibly been as bad as the show made them out to be.  Nevertheless, if they hadn’t been eliminated, I could not have kept watching because while in the past watching people behave like jackasses was entertaining, watching people fail because they just don’t have the brains or skills to do what they need too, that is just cringe and heartbreak-inducing.  And then I read their interviews full of bad grammar and simplistic answers and I wonder how long these poor suckers will be exploited.  Part of me wants them to win the “fan favorite” prize to make up for their humiliating treatment at the hands of the producers.  But the other, slightly larger part of me hopes that I’ll see them waving at the end of the race and then never see them again.

Because I am nothing if not cheesy (well, I guess I am also lazy), I am reprinting my 25 things about me from Facebook here and considering it a post for all you poor people who are not my Facebook friends.  And if you are not my Facebook friends, let’s keep it that way.  I’m beginning to think that Facebook may be a tool of the devil.

1. I am absolutely intolerant of open kitchen cabinet doors, and shut them like it’s my job, whether I’m in my own kitchen or someone else’s.
2. Speaking of cabinets, I pay all of my taxes and have never had any domestic help, so I am ready and willing to be named to any available cabinet post.
3. One super power I would like is the ability to jump through my TV screen with a pair of clippers and cut the hair of every doofus boy on the Disney channel.
4. And while I’ve got the clippers in hand, I think I’ll also visit the set of the Fox Football pregame show.
5. After seeing the movie Junebug, I became obsessed with Embeth Davidtz hands and began to clip my nails two and three times a week to keep them looking like hers.
6. I think Embeth Davidtz’ name is either missing several letters or has too many. Also, I am unsure if that is the correct way to write the possessive form of her name.
7. Before I read a book, I read every bit of print on it – all of the quotes, review blurbs, the book jacket summary, the forward, all about the author, the Canadian vs. USA price, etc.
8. I am almost invariably disappointed by the ending of fiction books.
9. I read Newsweek and quote it with a regularity that I know is highly annoying, and yet I still can’t stop myself.
10. One day my husband angrily shouted from the bathroom, “Who is using Band-Aids with impunity?!?” and this still makes me laugh out loud every time I think of it.
11. The term of endearment I use most often for my children is “wacko.”
12. Of everything I do for them and with them, I think my children are most appreciative and impressed when I conquer challenges on Mario and Sonic at the Olympics.
13. My cell phone is almost always: in need of a charge, inadvertently turned off, left in the car, or all of the above.
14. Apropos of nothing, I’m not a huge fan of talking on the phone.
15. I think once you’ve driven a car with an excessive number of cup holders, it is hard to drive a car with a normal number of cup holders.
16. I despise my vacuum cleaner and complain about it all the time, but it still works so I won’t replace it.
17. I love my mixer, my food processor and my vegetable steamer and they all need replacement parts, but they still work, so, you know.
18. I use every drop of every hair care product I buy, even though waiting for the shampoo to come out or finding a way to prop the bottles up upside down has probably consumed hours (or days) over the course of my life.
19. Every Sunday I endeavor to finish the laundry and the Washington Post Magazine crossword puzzle.
20. I eat my breakfast cereal dry, and by dry I mean I wipe out the bowl before I put the cereal in it to make sure there are no drops from the dishwasher left at the bottom.
21. Because I am growing as a person, I no longer wipe off my spoon between bites.
22. I eat an apple every day and am rarely sick. Go figure.
23. I got tired of pretzels in the late 90s and really wouldn’t care if I never ate another one.
24. I took a picture that I could use for Facebook while I was out sledding with the kids, but later I realized that I only had one earring in and so I won’t be using it.
25. I am still unconvinced that I will come to love Facebook.