Tell It To COACHIE

1 - Number of stores within 30 minutes at which I am willing to buy items for a Julia Child costume

2 - Number of items needed for costume - one plain blue collared shirt, one plain straight navy blue or black skirt

0 - Number of plain blue collared shirts available in the girls’ section of the PX

0 - Number of plain blue collared shirts available in the boys’ section of the PX

1 - Number of blue collared shirts purchased that approximate what Julia Child might have worn had she been an 10-year-old skate rat boy

1 - Number of Marty’s fingerprints that appear to be on the camera lens

5 - Number of searches on the internet attempting to determine what “Destricto or enablis” is supposed to mean

0 - Number of answers found from internet searches

3 - Number of blue markers needed to finish the “L’ecole des Trois Gourmandes” patch

10 - Number of minutes spent deciding how to attach said patch. Since Marty may be a 10-year-old skate rat boy himself one day, I decided rather than glue it or trot out the sewing machine, I would just loosely stitch it so it could be easily removed.

2 - Number of times I sewed the shirt to itself

1 - Number of times I sewed the shirt to my pants

14 - Number of times I quietly cursed Aislinn’s teacher while repeatedly stitching, pulling out stitches, and restitching

1 - Number of pictures I took of the finished shirt, after I saw the fingerprint and cleaned off the lens

1 - Number of pictures taken with the clean lens that did not seem any less fingerprinted

1 - Number of pictures of bags of onions that I took to see if it was the camera or the shirt causing the crazy lines (note to Erin, we will be bringing back those books on CD)

1 - Number of pictures I took of the finished shirt from above to see if it was the camera or shirt causing the crazy lines

0 - Percent interest I have in continuing to sort out the source of the crazy lines

Moving on:

0 - Number of skirts of any kind available in the girls’ section

0 - Number of black or navy straight skirts available in the juniors’ section for less than $26

8 - Number of rounds of the girls/juniors section I made looking for anything that might work

1 - Number of nonsleazy skirts I finally found on the sale rack that might fit a 9-year-old twig

50 - Percent off both items I finally bought for the costume

19 - Total number of dollars spent on the Julia Child costume

24 - Ounces of wine it may take me to put the Julia Child costume saga behind me

A month or so ago, while strolling on the treadmill and watching Bravo, I saw a show called “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.” For those of you who are not my sister Erin, Tabatha was on a Project Runway type hair cutting show called “Shear Genius,” and apparently did not win, but somehow her performance got her this new show where she goes into struggling hair salons and fixes them. I’m lying when I say I saw a show - it was a marathon, and it was so addictive I spent the whole morning lecturing myself about how I should turn off the TV and then explaining to myself how I was drying my hair or eating breakfast or tying my shoes anyway, so technically I was multitasking and TV was allowed. It is a fascinating show in many ways, but unfortunately the most interesting thing is how disgustingly filthy even high end salons can be. Ew. When I went to get my haircut this week, I did a surreptitious once over of the salon, and only saw one cobweb. I’m hoping that was the worst to be found.

In December I took the girls to get haircuts from the same woman who cut my hair. I had taken them to Walmart previously, because, well, see any post from the past 19 months regarding life in Missouri, but in December they told me that they wanted to get their haircut somewhere where there were “pretty people.” Yikes. They are really not that judgmental; it is true that the Walmart hair place is not a showroom for the well-toned or well-dressed. So I took them 45 miles away in an ice storm (is Crystal Gale trying to tell me something?) to have their hair done by my 19-year-old, skinny, tan, blond, dentally perfect stylist. She gave Aislinn a super choppy bob and blew Lauren’s hair out straight (after which I think Lauren was trying to find out if the stylist could adopt her, or at least come live with us and straighten her hair every day) and they couldn’t have been more pleased. This stylist, of course, has disappeared.

The girls have not had a haircut since December, and their social lives prevented them from accompanying me on the harrowing 97-mile haircut sojourn on Saturday. I was going to wait until we got back east at spring break and take them to my mom’s salon which also has pretty people in it. I even let them take their class pictures all shaggy. But unfortunately for them, tomorrow they have a field trip to the state capital for “Gifted Student Day” and it’s possible that they may be meeting with the governor. If they are meeting with the governor, it is possible that someone will take their picture (or not want to take their picture if their hair is totally out of control and in their eyes), so after school today, after explaining that they might even be on TV, I made them suck it up and head to Walmart.

Oh my goodness. It is a very cramped little hair cutting place, and I was so glad that we didn’t have to wait, that I didn’t even look around much until the cutting was underway. Once I did look around, I was sorry. Their was hair color splattered all over the floor and the walls. The walls? I can see how it might end up on the floor, but the walls? Really? As each haircut was finished, the haircutter would push the hair to a corner of the room with a broom, but I’m not sure when someone last gathered up said hair and disposed of it. There was a shopping cart in the back full of white plastic bags, which you might think were full of purchases, but were actually full of trash. It was nasty, and a little surprising because our entire Walmart (except for the hair cut place) has been renovated, rearranged and painted. We will not be returning.

From Walmart we made our way to McDonald’s because we are red-blooded Americans, dammit! Actually, it was McTeacher night where the teachers from the kids’ school work behind the counter and the school gets a cut of the cash for four hours. There were some teachers, some parents, and a lot of McD’s people working there, but apparently no one was assigned to sweep the floor or clean off tables or perform any of those magical chores that make McD’s tolerable (although they were on top of the trash). Miraculously and luckily, we did not have to brave the bathrooms.

Now I am home, in my own semi-clean house, where the main problem is that the ants are done with their long winter’s nap and keep showing up on the countertop. There is no food out, we keep killing the scout ants that come up looking for food, so I don’t understand why they keep coming. But I killed them all this morning, and so far I haven’t seen any more. Unfortunately, about an hour ago, I accidentally put a plastic bag of brown sugar down on a still hot burner (CURSE YOU ELECTRIC STOVE!!!). Now my kitchen smells like a maple syrup factory. Something tells me a new front may open in the ant wars tomorrow.

No.

PLAYSKOOL
KOTA THE TRICERATOPS
Approx. Retail: $ 299.99

Really. Just Stop.

My mother-in-law wipes up her kitchen floor every day. Part of the reason is that she has a labrador that sheds everywhere. Part of the reason is that she keeps a neat house. I wipe up things that I spill on my kitchen floor, but I generally only do a complete floorwide clean up, well, basically when I know my mother-in-law is coming to visit. Not because she’s picky, just because I’d like her to feel at home and not like she needs to rinse off the soles of her shoes every night.

I hesitate to complain about our kitchen, because with its 28 cabinets, 10 drawers, double sinks, newish appliances, and extensive (cheapo) counters, it’s the best kitchen I’ve ever had. Unfortunately, it has the worst vinyl floor ever. A floor that should never have been manufactured, let alone installed in large quantities in bathrooms and kitchens across an army post. Not only is it so light-colored that every spill and bit of dirt seems magnified, it is textured so that my old friend the Swiffer is powerless against its easily spotted filth.

During my search for “green cleaning” I saw a number of articles toting the many varied and wonderful uses for vinegar. One use is as a foolproof cleaner of vinyl kitchen floors. I decided I would give it a shot, because vinegar is not only safe but cheap, so if it didn’t work, at least I wouldn’t be out a lot of cash.

Step 1: Clean out the bucket:

Ew.

Step 2: A “before” picture of the floor. This is at the door by the carport where everyone comes in and out.* As you may know, it has been a rather gross winter here, and every day new muck is brought inside.

Ew. I know this picture might not look that bad, but other than take close ups of the gross parts, I wasn’t sure what to do. I diluted some vinegar in some warm water (I didn’t measure either, which may be a clue as to why I’m not using my chemistry degree in some R&D lab somewhere) and got to work.

It worked incredibly well. There were no suds, which are my least favorite part of floor scrubbing, because you can never get them all up, and any that sneak away dry as little dirty rings, just mocking you from what you thought was a well scrubbed floor. Everything came up with a simple wipe, no scrubbing or scouring needed (except for a few spots that needed the magic eraser, and no soap was going to get them off anyway). The smell reminded me of my days in chemistry lab (and of coloring Easter Eggs) but it wasn’t strong and it didn’t last.

Here is the “after” photo:

And here is the whole floor:

Once again, I’m sold. I plan to work my way through the list of other vinegar uses, and hopefully one day all that will be under the sink are some spray bottles of vinegar in varying strengths. And maybe some mineral oil for the wood. I definitely need to do some more checking on that.

* A new rule was made today that everyone will come in the front door, where the entry bench, coat hooks, and door mat are. Hopefully keeping the bags, jackets and shoes where they belong will not only keep the house cleaner but also make everyone’s things easier to find in the morning. When I’m finished here I’m off to make a big flashing red “NO!!” sign to hang on the back door.

One afternoon while we were living in Kentucky, we ended up at a neighbor’s house for a hastily arranged play date. When we arrived, my neighbor looked at me sweetly, gave a little chuckle, and unapologetically informed me in her charming southern accent, “As you can see, ah don’t keep house.” Her house was perfectly fine, not grimy or dusty, but it was not completely picked up - there was some folded laundry on the couch, some toy parts on the floor, a stray dish on the table. In other words, it was a slightly improved version of my house.

I have previously chronicled my attempts to improve the planet via changes in my life, but I never really thought much about cleaning products until I saw this post. One simple reason for the oversight I suspect is that I don’t trot out many cleaning products on a regular basis other than clorox wipes and Lysol kitchen cleaner. As you might suspect (or know) I am not exactly a neat freak. Unfortunately, I am also not exactly possessed of sufficient charm to inform my neighbors that “Ah don’t keep house,” so eventually, I do clean things up.

The list of “green” cleaning products has been in the back of my mind, and lately with drugs in the water, lame air standards, and the high price of oil, I decided it was time to do my part and scale back the toxins in our house. I’m not fanatical about these things, and I don’t share them with you to demonstrate my awesomeness (that’s just a fortuitous side effect), but here’s one thing that’s happened so far:

The Lysol kitchen cleaner has been replaced with this:

The commissary doesn’t carry many “green” products, and I was suspicious about this one, but I looked it up to see whether it was actually “green” and apparently the Sierra Club has endorsed it, which is good enough for me. I say apparently, because although the bottle is supposed to be labeled that way, it isn’t (although there is a press release on the Sierra Club site). The cleaners in it are coconut-, corn-, and lemon-based, it smells pretty good, and it works as well as the Lysol kitchen cleaner. Until I’ve got other options, I’m sold on this one.